It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!

Written by on December 28, 2011 in Featured, Neighborhood News - No comments

As they say, it’s like clockwork.

Every Thursday morning, the phone rings and a voice on the other end says, “Was that crime for real?”

“Yes,” we sigh.

“That thing about the landlady hitting her tenant between the eyes with pliers because he asked her for a beer?”

And so it goes. Why it is, we don’t know, but it seems each week, at least one mutant feels the need to unleash his or her strange behavior on the city. Maybe it’s something in the water. Maybe this end of the city is tilted downward and everything loose rolls into it. Whatever it is, it makes for some interesting reading. So without further ado, here are this year’s strangest items from the police blotter:

Before you ask: no, we do not consider crime a laughing matter. But there are times when we just look at the reports and shake our heads. We’re sure the police occasionally feel the same way.

Strangest statements:
“Officer, she ripped my wifebeater.”

“We will fight you guys ‘cause we are like fresh fish and gravy.”

“Someone stole 12 bottles of whiskey from the church.”

“She wouldn’t shut up so I hit her.”

“He took the remote so I hit him.”

Sudden attack of conscience
A woman told police she had pulled into a parking lot and before she could get out of her car, a man had approached her, implied he had a weapon, and ordered her to “Give it up.” She told him he was the second person to have robbed her since the previous week, and the man said, “I shouldn’t be doing this; I need Pampers.” She handed him $6 and he fled.

The suspect was described as…
Fat, black and wearing a red wig.

Fat. Really, really fat.

A bald guy with a cross tattooed between his eyes.

I didn’t see him but he had bad breath.

He mighta been black. Either that or white.

Friends don’t let friends…
A man punched his friend in the face after the friend, thinking the first man had drunk too much, tried to stop him from ordering another beer.

A man told police he had been drinking with a close female friend who said to him, “Come outside; I have a gift for you.” When he went outside, she hit him in the head with a board. He told police he had no idea where his friend lived.

A man told police he was in a library with a friend when some men he did not know came up and asked if he wanted to‚”Smoke some weed‚” with them. When the man got up to go with the group, his friend said, “I think they are strapped,” meaning he thought they were armed, and that he thought he owed one of the individuals money, though he wasn’t sure. When he went outside, they attacked him and robbed him of his computer and wallet, as well as a cane.

Rooting section
A man told police that when he woke up at 5:30 a.m. he discovered that his car had been stolen. He has a surveillance camera mounted on the front of his house, and when he reviewed the tape he saw two men sitting on the steps opposite his house watching another man break into the car, a 1995 Dodge. Once the first man was inside the car the other two applauded, climbed in, and all three drove off.

Um. Yeah.
A told police he was attacked by three men who robbed him of $1,200 cash and then fled. He told police that he was on his way to the travel plaza to catch a Greyhound bus to Cameroon. Police said the victim was drunk.

A man told police he was out walking when a man walked up to him and said, “Take it off or I will f-— you up.” The first man pulled down his pants and the suspect took his wallet, key and cash, then fled.

Coincidence? We think not:
A man and woman told police they were out walking when two men approached them and pulled a gun, threatening to shoot if they did not give up their valuables. One suspect was described as wearing a Steelers sweatshirt.

Logic at work:
A sub shop employee told police a man entered, implied he had a weapon and said, “Open the drawer and give me the money.” Another employee said, “We can’t give you that. It’s not ours.” The suspect looked angry and said, “I’ll be back” and walked away.

Can’t take a bite out of crime
A man told police someone stole his dentures.

Various weirdness:
Police found men and women arguing. One man and woman told police that a second woman had slapped one person and burned the second with a cigarette, then cut his tire with a knife. The argument started when one man was blowing his horn in celebration of a birthday. One man kept yelling “Who hung up the phone?” Several arrests were made.

A woman told police a man had approached her and asked her if she had any more cigarettes. The woman, who was lighting her own, said no, and the man smacked the cigarette out of her hand and said, “Neither do you.” He also threw a brick at a woman in a wheelchair. He was arrested a few minutes later.

A man and his brother argued about groceries one had purchased. A shoving match ensued, and then one man stabbed the other with a steak knife. He was arrested. He told police, “I have a prosthetic leg and he pushed me to the floor so I grabbed a knife and stabbed him.”

Don’t believe the advertising
A man was arrested for trying to leave a convenience store with 5 energy drinks. He could not outrun police despite the energy drinks, however, and was arrested.

And then there’s…
Someone stole a pair of gray sweatpants from a store. The suspect was described as a man who had soiled his pants.

A woman became enraged when a man would not return her calls. She tracked him down, attacked him and was subsequently arrested.

A group of boys got off a bus the same time as a woman and began ordering her to give up her purse. She refused. When they would not leave her alone, she lit a newspaper on fire and ran at them, waving it. They threw a metal chair at her and fled.

A man and woman argued over the man not making the bed. A physical fight ensued and the man began screaming, “I AM GETTING LOCK UP, I AM GETTING LOCK UP.” He was, in fact, arrested.

Police came upon one man shouting at another, who was covered in blood and staggering around. In response to police questioning, the first man said, “He (indicating the other man) said ‘Where’s the money, Where’s the money?’ and robbed me.” The other man replied, “Officer, all I did was mace him and punch him but I didn’t rob him.” The suspect was arrested.

Police responded to a report of a stabbing, and found a man bleeding from a cut to the arm. He told police he worked for the property manager of an apartment complex, and that he had been told a resident was defecating and urinating into a bucket, then taking it to the shared bathroom. The man told police he went to talk about the resident about this issue, and the resident pulled a knife on him and attacked him. He was arrested.

Someone entered an automotive business through a bay door panel and took a TV. Police were able to get a suspect description based on the fact that the man was going door to door trying to sell the TV.

A warehouse owner called police to say the building had been broken into and two suspects were inside. Police arrested two men, one of whom was wearing a Cookie Monster T-shirt.

Still scratching our heads about…
Someone stole 585 tons of salt from a company located near a terminal. It was discovered that a dump truck driver was using a legitimate order number to obtain loads of salt which were then stolen and never delivered to the buyer. The suspect provided false information, including tag numbers, names and truck numbers. The salt company and the terminal are still investigating the incidents.

If you were a criminal, wouldn’t you be ashamed of the street name…
Karom, Gucci, Starr, Oogy, Capa, Mok, Juicy, Bear, Big Fred, Jersey Sho, Spanky, Hamma

Weirdest weapons: Spark plug, chicken wing, spaghetti, hockey stick, scented candles (vanilla cupcake aroma), high-heeled shoe, metal tongs, iron, empty can of air freshener, vinegar, ice scraper, screw driver, bottle of hot sauce, can of Colt 45 Malt Liquor, Roman candle, broom, mop, iron frying pan, golf club, bike tire pump, remote control, Magic 8-Ball.

You don’t pull the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger and you don’t mess around with…

…the mattress store employee who beat a potential robber with a table leg and kept him cornered while police were called.

….the elderly woman who saw two men try to rob her husband, and who ran from her porch and beat the suspects with her crutches. The suspects fled with the wife in pursuit.

…the cabby who when confronted by a knife-wielding suspect, replied, “I ain’t giving you s—t” and pulled his own knife and attacked the suspect, whereupon the suspect fled.

…the man who told a robbery suspect, “I was in Special Forces and I’ll dust your candy ass.”

…the woman who was sitting on steps with her mother when a man walked up, pulled a knife and said, “Give me the money, bitches.” The daughter kicked him in the groin, and he limped away.

…The hell?
A woman told police that someone stole her purse while she was in labor.

A woman told police that she heard someone running up behind her and turned around in time to have a man jump on her and try to take her purse. He was unsuccessful in taking the purse, backed up and screamed “ROAR!” in the woman’s face and ran away.

Someone tried to break into a house and failed, but stole the lawn chairs from the rear yard.

Someone stole a urine sample from a pediatrician’s office.

Someone entered a tavern through a rear door and took two jugs of fryer grease, a pair of headphones, a hat, a shirt size 5X and a phone charger. (It is worth noting that on Aug. 6, the same tavern had lost two boxes of bacon to a larceny).

A woman awoke to find her ex-boyfriend inside the house. She later found items missing from her purse, and got a text message from him that said, “Next time hide ur key in a betta place.”

Car Wars
GPS: Total of 625 stolen in SE alone
Also stolen out of cars (along with radios, computers, phones, etc):
Side mirror
Wedding ring (While owner was dancing in a singles bar)
Invisible fence
$12,261 (throughout the year, out of a number of cars)
Swimsuit and goggles
Tooty Perfume
Orthodontics curing light
22-cal. semiautomatic handgun
Jar of prunes in heavy syrup
Beef loin strips
Gas mask
Banjo music
Four baritones and three tubas
Women’s panties
Santa hat
Bible (King James Version)

A man told police that someone had taken jewelry and money from the glove box of his car. There were no signs of forced entry. When an officer asked why the man would keep so many valuables in his car the victim replied, “It’s my car. Why not?”

A man told police he found a man tampering with his car. He asked the suspect what he was doing and the man said, “Closing the trunk. You can’t have me arrested for that.” Police arrived and arrested him, considering that he was closing the trunk after having taken pool cues, fishing tackle and a socket set.

Baltimore. The city that doesn’t spell.
Two men, one wearing a dark orange wig and one with a shirt over his head, handed a bank teller a badly misspelled note that read “Give me all tha money start with the large Bills fist and NO DIE PACKS Hurry up u only have 60 seconds to empty all the tilts and draws I want 100,000.” The teller gave the suspects some cash and they fled.

And then there’s…
A man told police he opened his door and allowed three men to enter. The men beat and kicked him, and kept repeating, “Gimme the bail money for Brittany.” They took $300 cash and fled. The man told police he had no idea who Brittany was, or who the three men had been.

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